Picky and Proud
I woke up New Year’s Day, 2019 to 40 or so text messages from my college girlfriends. One of them had finally gotten engaged to her high school boyfriend. Then I did a double take. My other friend had also gotten engaged. HOLY SHIT. All 3 of the girls on the text chain who were my year at college were engaged. There was one other in our year, but she got married a few years back. That was that. I was finally the last single gal standing.
I’ve only ever had one relationship, in college which became long distance after graduation and finally ended a year later. Since that time period of freedom, I’ve been disillusioned by the lack of options in LA. I thought my 23 to 25/26 years would be spent casually dating guys I would meet through mutual friends or dating apps. I thought I’d learn about what I needed in a relationship and the type of man I wanted to be with. Boy was I wrong! I’ve spent 5 years doing no dating at all with friends who have no single, cute mutual friends, swiping left, left, left, and oh wait!...nope, left again. My friends chide me with the same old “you’re too picky!” and “what was wrong with that guy?!” I chirp back, “I’m just not into it!” If they really want to help me they should have more single friends.
They want me to give men I just don’t find attractive or deem acceptable to my liking a chance. On Bumble, the app where women must make the first move after matching, even the ones I swipe right on, some I’m really into and others who are just OK, leave me with the same outcome. A: I reach out, get no response and then lose the match entirely (because that’s fair) or B: I reach out, actually get a response and have or 3 exchanges with him before it goes radio silent. I’m still drawn to the relentless repetition of swiping Bumble brings, like a moth to the flame. I see its bright yellow bee hive mascot on my screen and a hint of excitement fills my body. Could this be the day I meet the man of my dreams??
Urban Dictionary cites insanity as doing the same fucking thing over and over again, expecting shit to change. Webster’s definition states it as, besides the more well-known severe disordered state of the mind, an extreme folly or something utterly foolish or unreasonable. I’m a madwoman willingly participating in an addictive social phenomenon always hoping for a real connection, but always predictably left with no matches in her queue. Why I do insist on torturing myself? As a self-coined anti-millennial who rarely uses FB and Instagram, I’m a millennial and hopeless romantic at heart. I have high expectations for all aspects of life and embrace them. As part of a stereotyped generation, I’m seen as a privileged dreamer who won’t settle for any job or career less than my version of perfection, so why should I start settling when it comes to my love life?
Like our parents, the life of a millennial encompasses two main components: job/career and relationship. Securing a marriage along with a stable job, whether desired or not earning a steady flow of income (more so for the men) was a staple of our parents’ generation. Baby boomers were products of a post-world war time where settling down comfortably was highly coveted. Perhaps they felt they didn’t have the luxury of time for courtship or waiting on potential suitors as the next world fiasco could be around the corner. From the 50’s to 70’s women and men, on average married at the ages of 20 and 23 (US Census Bureau). A Gallup Poll cited that 40% of baby boomers were married between the ages of 18 and 30 whereas in 2016 this only applied to 20% of Americans of the same age. Our parents’ generation was overcome by an urgency to commit to the key aspects of ones’ life. Millennials still feel that urgency, but it’s more a looming grey cloud dissipating down to the tiniest glimmer before remerging like a smack in the face any time you get nagged about finding a job or boyfriend soon because most of your friends are already getting married. Ideals baby boomers and millennials value most in life remain the same. It’s the way in which and time it takes to attain them that’s different.
Millennials exemplify FOMO or the fear of missing out. We dread the thought of committing to a social activity, job or career for fear that a better party or job is out there waiting for us. As a native Angelino, still living in LA I’ve become a master of this trade. FOMO now applies to the dating realm, as well. Committing too fast means being attached to someone you think you’re passionate about, but the thought there might be someone better for you out there just won’t go away. The reality may be that you’re not ready for a serious relationship, but you rush into it due to the fear of being alone and/or different than the people, maybe friends and family you’re surrounded by. As Elvis sang, “only fools rush in.” Hastiness is not a virtue.
As an almost 30-year-old adult I’ve observed other relationships and how they’ve worked and not worked. I’ve reflected on characteristics I know would make me happy. Physically, yes, I want a 6 ft. plus dark haired, green- or blue-eyed manly man with broad shoulders (an accent wouldn’t hurt either). Standard. But he must also be able to make me laugh at a moment’s notice, and be quick witted and sarcastic like me to keep me on my toes. Most importantly, he must accept me for who I am wholeheartedly, flaws, quirkiness and all. So, in the future when my friends tell me I’m being too picky when it comes to my possible future husband, I shall start responding with a tweet I came across on Buzzfeed (21 Single People Get Real About What They Wish They Could Tell Their Married Friends – 2/23/19):
“If you tell me I’m being ‘picky’ one more time, I’ll ask you why you settled.”
The divorce rate has been on a steady decline, since the mid-80s per CDC findings (Insider article – 1/29/19). The Atlantic cited that the divorce rate had declined by 18% overall between 2008 and 2016 (Sept. 2018). These numbers reflect a cause and effect scenario. Divorce is an effect of marriage and people are waiting longer to get married. People are taking their time to get educated, and find their dream jobs before embarking on tying the knot. Besides humans, only 10 other mammals are truly amorous with one another and mate for life (NatGeo Article 2016). Dating apps may never work for me and it may take another year or two before I meet “the one,” but I’m proud to do so as I know I won’t have waited in vain.
I thought I could do the whole casual dating thing; be free and get it all out of my system in my early 20s so I could make room for the real thing down the line. I knew so many girls growing up who always had boys in their lives. Carrie Bradshaw types, a new handsome man just around the corner. I learned, in time that I just wasn’t nor would ever be that kind of girl and that’s OK. Turns out, I’m more of a penguin, prairie vole kind of girl…at least in terms of who I emulate my relationships after. Mating for life seems to be the highest aspiration for humans. I always hear people saying marriage, for them, is a one-time deal. If this is the case, then pickiness should be a virtue along with patience for it takes a great deal of patience to wait for the right partner deemed worthy of your love. Picky is defined as fussy, choosy and fastidious among many other synonyms. Fastidious means reflecting a meticulous, sensitive or demanding attitude. If I’m judged as too picky then that’s A-Okay with me. I’d rather use cautiousness and a demanding nature when choosing someone to spend the rest of my life with. It’s a choice as meaningful to me as it is for Carrie Bradshaw when picking out the best pair of shoes, even if out of her price range. It’s worth it.